I Told Myself I Was Sexy

So I’m about to get real. I hate my body. Despise it. My hatred of my body  is part of the reason I stopped fashion blogging. I couldn’t stand the sight of myself in pictures, aside from my beauty posts. It’s so bad that I hard time picking out both my engagement and wedding photos (I got married in October 2017), because I didn’t like how I looked. I know I didn’t look as bad as I thought I was seeing myself, but I couldn’t help it. I just couldn’t see myself as beautiful or sexy.

Then I booked my honeymoon, and I had to shop for the thing I hated most…swimsuits. I have not bought a swimsuit in few years and had avoided buying one. The last time I was going to wear one in public, I cried and my then fiancé, now husband, had to calm me down. It was a bikini that never fit right, and when it finally did, I had a melt down. I was lowkey happy when our plans were canceled.

Anyway, shopping in the store was a nightmare. I had to keep reminding myself to keep calm. I was able to find a few one pieces that I really liked, but when trying them on at home, I wasn’t comfortable in them at all. I kept them anyway because they did fit and my husband liked them. Despite both my aunt and husband telling me that I looked great in my swimsuits, I didn’t agree. When you hate your body, compliments feel empty despite being sincere.

Then I was shopping on Fashion Nova and I saw this swimsuit.

I liked the swimsuit, but when I saw the model I was like, “this girl is fiiiine.” Then I was like wait…our body types are not that different. Why did I think she was sexy and I wasn’t? When I showered that night, I forced myself to look in the mirror and look at my back rolls and I told myself I was sexy.

After that, I gained confidence that I never had before. I kept vacation shopping and I bought myself some short shorts. I don’t ever wear short shorts, only Bermuda. I never thought that I would ever wear something like that. I was never comfortable in them, but this time I really liked them.

I don’t know why this epiphany took so long to happen, but I’m glad it finally did. I am feeling a lot more comfortable in my body and learning to love it. I know that body positivity is more widespread now, but it was something I never had for myself. I admired women like Jordyn Woods, Ashely Graham, and La’Tecia, but I never saw myself as beautiful as they were.

I tried for some time to change my body. I was working out an insane amount of time, while watching what I ate. Guess what? I didn’t lose any weight. And you want to know what else? When I went to the doctor for my annual checkup and my weight, I was healthy. Now, I’m not so hard on myself. Yes, I still try to watch what I eat, but this time it’s because I don’t want to feel like crap all the time.

In no way am I saying that all my insecurities about my body are gone. They are very much still there and still creep up on me from time to time. While on my honeymoon alone, there were a few times I had to talk myself out of changing outfits, all because those insecurities said, “hey girl.” Not to be clichéd or anything, but it is a constant battle. However, this time I’m not letting those insecurities get to me.

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